All alone in a full room.

Since we returned from our vacation in late November, Carl and I have been bickering about my reluctance to return to the gym. All I knew is that I didn't want to go, but I wanted to feel better about myself and do something. I was at a complete loss for why I didn't want to go, but it was a 'gut' or visceral feeling that I just went with.

Friday night we started the conversation again during supper and I started down a path and stated that I felt I didn't belong there but I could not tell him why. As he left for the gym Saturday afternoon I could tell it was bothering him that I was not going and he said; "I wish you were going with me, but I won't go down that road." At first I was mad, but I could not figure out why.

While steaming and puttering around the house and putting laundry away, and washing sheets, and taking a shower I thought long and hard about why I didn't want to go to the gym. I thought back to our conversation last night and picked up that thread and started to pull at it in my mind. I also had the same problem when we lived in Canada, and I tried to figure out what the common factors were both there and here and I came to the conclusion that not only do I look at the gym as an opportunity to exercise, but also in some part a social experience, and because of the language barrier here in Sweden, and also the language barrier in Canada (as both gyms we joined were in Quebec and primarily Francophone) it hit on me that I felt isolated at the gym. I can be in a room full of people but I am alone, completely. I go about my business and other people around take breaks between sets and chat, but I am not part of it.

After I came to this realization a lot of patterns became clear to me. I am currently not working though I never really go anywhere and do anything and I think the reason why is that no matter where I go, I don't really feel like I belong. I am not sure how to go about fixing this, but at least identifying the issue helps a bit. It makes me feel less like I am losing it and being irrational. Well, maybe the whole thing is irrational but at least now I think I know what it is, now I just need to figure out what to do with it.