Always showtime!

So this may be more of a comment than an actual post. I have noticed these past few days several of my friends have posted photographs of themselves with drag performers or photos of drag performers and I think I can safely say I have never seen a bad photo of someone in drag. My guess is it is because they are always in character and aware of portraying that character. I am curious to see if others notice the same thing.

Where does the time go?

This morning on Facebook I went through the normal routine of sending birthday greetings to my friends who have birthdays today. One of them had an age associated with his little photo that I thought was far too old, so in my message I started to type; "you can't be that old, when we met at the 25th anniversary of Stonewall I thought you were about my age, maybe one or two years older." At that moment it hit me that the 25th anniversary of Stonewall was 18 years ago, and we are quickly approaching the 45th anniversary of said riots. That was the first "big gay" think I ever attended (bear runs notwithstanding), and that was now 18 years ago. Even last night Carl played "Beauty School Dropout" from Grease on the way home which caused me to download the film that we watched last night, and that is a 34 year old film. I remember seeing it in the theaters. Hell I have friends younger than this film. Oy. When did all this time pass? There are days I feel every bit of my 45 years, but most often I don't. It is only when I put it into context of the time that has elapsed since events and milestones such as those listed above that I feel old. Oh, and when I look at my nieces and nephews too.

Winter is Coming, or why I am SAD.

Ah, here we are...Fall in Sweden. The days are getting crisp, and noticeably shorter. I know I have not been posting here much at all lately but that doesn't mean my brain is dead or I am gathering dust sitting in a corner.

This summer we took the opportunity to attend the Olympics in London being as we were this close to it. We were able to obtain tickets to 6 events, and we had a blast! A big congratulations and thank you to city of London, all of the UK, LOCOG and most of all the volunteers who went above and beyond to make the experience as wonderful as it could have been. There are a lot of memories to last a lifetime. In addition we went on a little repositioning cruise from Oslo back to Stockholm, and went to Manchester where the Stockholm Berserkers won their bracket at the 2012 Bingham Cup back in June. In addition I am starting to take Swedish lessons 2 days a week, and the baking business "Fantastisk Fika"started seeing some more business the past two weeks so all in all things are good.

You know there is a "but" here somewhere, and here it is. This summer in Sweden was really awful by all measures; only 5 days where the temperature was above 25 degrees, and the rain seemed to be at times never ending. Even though when the sun is out it is beautiful here, the rain can come and go at a moments notice. I am wary of the approaching autumn and winter where the days are short, and sunlight is scarce as it is generally overcast, and I find myself with endless hours to fill as winter is not the most exciting time in Sweden. Things tend to close down to truncated winter hours and there is not that much you can really go see and do. All of this has resulted in my dealing with a slight case of SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder), a mild form of seasonal depression. I think the weather of this summer has made me feel it sooner this year so I'm bracing for it. Time to get out my personal grow light! One thing I promise to do this winter is to post more often, and write about Sweden and our experience here. Thanks for reading!

Sometimes you touch a nerve...

This afternoon I posted a status update on Facebook that read; "I notice so many people on here who constantly complain about how much they dislike their jobs and live for the weekend. At what point do you stop complaining about it and do something to change it?" and I was intrigued by the comments and points of view that emerged. Some where in agreement with me, and others were almost hostile, and others stated that if you can't complain on FB, where can you do it. All of them are valid points, but I think it is also who we are as an individual reflects how we handle these kinds of things.

I know that many, myself included have been in the position of not being happy with where you are in life. I think many more people may fall into that category than you think. It is easy when you are in that grey space to forget what it is you bring to the table. You can ignore the experience you have had, and in many cases your current position can make you feel worthless. I know times are hard in many places all over the world and jobs are getting harder and harder to come by, so often you have to take what is there, even though it is not your ideal. I also understand that there are situations that are not ideal that people remain in because of things like insurance coverage for themselves and their families that would result in great risk if these situations were severed. I get all that, but at some point the negativity had the potential to wear you down and turn you into something other than you used to be.

I've been there myself, when you feel so crappy that you feel nothing can go right, and all you can see is the negative in everything. At the times I have been there, I eventually catch myself and realize that I am no longer a person I like, and not someone I would choose to be around. When I get that way I end up isolating myself and pushing those who are around me away. I know it is hard sometimes but don't let that happen. You need to remember what experiences and skills that you have and that those are all of value to someone, somewhere they just may not know it yet. I know it is easier to bitch than to shrug your shoulders and say;"well that is the way it is, but it won't last forever." Sure get mad and moody but don't let it own you, and for god sake don't let your job drag you down. When you leave that place at the end of the day, shrug it off as best you can.

"I've just been in a bad mood for 40 years...."

What happens when your life is turned upside down? What becomes important, what defines you when you are no longer a breadwinner, or a person who is able assist financially and you find yourself with more time on your hands than you know what to do with?

The last time I worked a normal office job was in early September 2011, almost 8 months ago and yesterday I was told by my husband that I have not been happy since then. Wow, that was a a wake up call. What do you do when you are told you have appeared to be unhappy for almost 8 months? The first thing you do is panic, that is what you do. You get angry and you lash out at the people nearest to you and in that anger and fear you may very well hurt them. Nothing irreparable, but it will take some time for that redness to fade.

The next thing you do is you have to look back on those 8 months and figure out what brought you to this point. You may ask yourself if this happened so slowly that you never realized it, or did it just happen overnight and you accepted it as a fact of life. You also then must look at what defines happiness, what makes you fulfilled? Is it a job; a series of tasks or processes that you do day in and day out that give you security, comfort (and often frustration) and most importantly a pay cheque? When that definition of who you are disappears what happens to your well being? Your sense of self? What the hell do you do all day to fill that void?

That is the question I am faced with today. I have had some ideas, but fear and a lack of faith in myself and my abilities have kept me from following through on them. I suffer from a fear of failure so I don't even try. I have spent my days with the dogs, watching movies and TV shows, listening to music, making dinner, doing laundry and in general feeling sorry for myself. I have isolated myself from the outside world and I blame it on where we live, when in reality it is I who has done the isolating. I won't go to the gym because it is too crowded and my Swedish isn't good enough. I won't take a class in Swedish because we have vacations planned and I may have to miss a lesson, so best not to go at all. I wont start selling baked goods out of my home because I am afraid of being priced too high and more importantly if I adjusted the prices no one would buy them. When did I become my own worst, self-defeating enemy?

The thing that bothers me most is that in this dialogue that I regularly have there is one encouraging voice who has been there all along but I never listen to him. My husband, Carl has tried to get me to (let's be honest) just fucking do SOMETHING, but nope I have resisted thus far. It has gotten to the point where he is actually worried about going on a posting ever again because of the impact it has had on me, and concerns about what impact it may have on our relationship. I have to say, that unsettles me more than anything else I have dealt with thus far. In my selfish pity party I have the possibility of impacting my husband's career. The career we both rely on. That frightens me even more than anything I have mentioned above. It's not that I have anything against Ottawa, but if we are there I feel nothing would change. I would still be isolated and afraid that I don't have the skills and abilities to be able to find some kind of employment. I seemingly have convinced myself that I am unable to do much of anything and it disturbs me that I have dragged him into this with me, and it is now affecting him. My fear is that I am just not a happy person and that I am beginning to make him that way too.

So, now comes the tough part; I need to get out there and challenge myself. I need to learn to be happy with the skills and abilities I have, not worry about what I don't have. I need to learn to be in situations that push my comfort zones. I need to redefine who I am, what makes me happy and what makes each day unique and enjoyable. I need to leave the house each and every day in search of something that teaches me something I didn't already know, or just makes me smile. Maybe somewhere I have never been before, or perhaps someplace I have been and enjoy. I need to quit being afraid of failure and at least try to make something happen. It may be something that results in an income, or it may be something that pays me a dividend to my soul and makes me happy. Whatever it is, I need to go and find it as it certainly won't happen sitting at my kitchen table.

All alone in a full room.

Since we returned from our vacation in late November, Carl and I have been bickering about my reluctance to return to the gym. All I knew is that I didn't want to go, but I wanted to feel better about myself and do something. I was at a complete loss for why I didn't want to go, but it was a 'gut' or visceral feeling that I just went with.

Friday night we started the conversation again during supper and I started down a path and stated that I felt I didn't belong there but I could not tell him why. As he left for the gym Saturday afternoon I could tell it was bothering him that I was not going and he said; "I wish you were going with me, but I won't go down that road." At first I was mad, but I could not figure out why.

While steaming and puttering around the house and putting laundry away, and washing sheets, and taking a shower I thought long and hard about why I didn't want to go to the gym. I thought back to our conversation last night and picked up that thread and started to pull at it in my mind. I also had the same problem when we lived in Canada, and I tried to figure out what the common factors were both there and here and I came to the conclusion that not only do I look at the gym as an opportunity to exercise, but also in some part a social experience, and because of the language barrier here in Sweden, and also the language barrier in Canada (as both gyms we joined were in Quebec and primarily Francophone) it hit on me that I felt isolated at the gym. I can be in a room full of people but I am alone, completely. I go about my business and other people around take breaks between sets and chat, but I am not part of it.

After I came to this realization a lot of patterns became clear to me. I am currently not working though I never really go anywhere and do anything and I think the reason why is that no matter where I go, I don't really feel like I belong. I am not sure how to go about fixing this, but at least identifying the issue helps a bit. It makes me feel less like I am losing it and being irrational. Well, maybe the whole thing is irrational but at least now I think I know what it is, now I just need to figure out what to do with it.

Long time no post......

It's been 3 months since I updated this thing....so much has happened and at the same time nothing is changed. We have had some wonderful experiences such as having the opportunity to attend the Nobel Awards Ceremony and Banquet here in Stockholm (seated at the head table no less!), and have traveled through the Caribbean on a lovely ship with wonderful friends old and new, and a long weekend visiting London, and some friends visiting here. We've also had to deal with ups and downs in my father's health back in the US. Sadly more downs than ups, so much in fact that I am travelling back home mid-February to help take care of him for two weeks. A dark and overcast December and January, no luck on the job front and then both of us being ill for most of January have not helped either of our moods to say the least.

All that being said we are plugging along, and I hope to be better at posting moving forward.