What happens when your life is turned upside down? What becomes important, what defines you when you are no longer a breadwinner, or a person who is able assist financially and you find yourself with more time on your hands than you know what to do with?
The last time I worked a normal office job was in early September 2011, almost 8 months ago and yesterday I was told by my husband that I have not been happy since then. Wow, that was a a wake up call. What do you do when you are told you have appeared to be unhappy for almost 8 months? The first thing you do is panic, that is what you do. You get angry and you lash out at the people nearest to you and in that anger and fear you may very well hurt them. Nothing irreparable, but it will take some time for that redness to fade.
The next thing you do is you have to look back on those 8 months and figure out what brought you to this point. You may ask yourself if this happened so slowly that you never realized it, or did it just happen overnight and you accepted it as a fact of life. You also then must look at what defines happiness, what makes you fulfilled? Is it a job; a series of tasks or processes that you do day in and day out that give you security, comfort (and often frustration) and most importantly a pay cheque? When that definition of who you are disappears what happens to your well being? Your sense of self? What the hell do you do all day to fill that void?
That is the question I am faced with today. I have had some ideas, but fear and a lack of faith in myself and my abilities have kept me from following through on them. I suffer from a fear of failure so I don't even try. I have spent my days with the dogs, watching movies and TV shows, listening to music, making dinner, doing laundry and in general feeling sorry for myself. I have isolated myself from the outside world and I blame it on where we live, when in reality it is I who has done the isolating. I won't go to the gym because it is too crowded and my Swedish isn't good enough. I won't take a class in Swedish because we have vacations planned and I may have to miss a lesson, so best not to go at all. I wont start selling baked goods out of my home because I am afraid of being priced too high and more importantly if I adjusted the prices no one would buy them. When did I become my own worst, self-defeating enemy?
The thing that bothers me most is that in this dialogue that I regularly have there is one encouraging voice who has been there all along but I never listen to him. My husband, Carl has tried to get me to (let's be honest) just fucking do SOMETHING, but nope I have resisted thus far. It has gotten to the point where he is actually worried about going on a posting ever again because of the impact it has had on me, and concerns about what impact it may have on our relationship. I have to say, that unsettles me more than anything else I have dealt with thus far. In my selfish pity party I have the possibility of impacting my husband's career. The career we both rely on. That frightens me even more than anything I have mentioned above. It's not that I have anything against Ottawa, but if we are there I feel nothing would change. I would still be isolated and afraid that I don't have the skills and abilities to be able to find some kind of employment. I seemingly have convinced myself that I am unable to do much of anything and it disturbs me that I have dragged him into this with me, and it is now affecting him. My fear is that I am just not a happy person and that I am beginning to make him that way too.
So, now comes the tough part; I need to get out there and challenge myself. I need to learn to be happy with the skills and abilities I have, not worry about what I don't have. I need to learn to be in situations that push my comfort zones. I need to redefine who I am, what makes me happy and what makes each day unique and enjoyable. I need to leave the house each and every day in search of something that teaches me something I didn't already know, or just makes me smile. Maybe somewhere I have never been before, or perhaps someplace I have been and enjoy. I need to quit being afraid of failure and at least try to make something happen. It may be something that results in an income, or it may be something that pays me a dividend to my soul and makes me happy. Whatever it is, I need to go and find it as it certainly won't happen sitting at my kitchen table.
