Sometimes you touch a nerve...

This afternoon I posted a status update on Facebook that read; "I notice so many people on here who constantly complain about how much they dislike their jobs and live for the weekend. At what point do you stop complaining about it and do something to change it?" and I was intrigued by the comments and points of view that emerged. Some where in agreement with me, and others were almost hostile, and others stated that if you can't complain on FB, where can you do it. All of them are valid points, but I think it is also who we are as an individual reflects how we handle these kinds of things.

I know that many, myself included have been in the position of not being happy with where you are in life. I think many more people may fall into that category than you think. It is easy when you are in that grey space to forget what it is you bring to the table. You can ignore the experience you have had, and in many cases your current position can make you feel worthless. I know times are hard in many places all over the world and jobs are getting harder and harder to come by, so often you have to take what is there, even though it is not your ideal. I also understand that there are situations that are not ideal that people remain in because of things like insurance coverage for themselves and their families that would result in great risk if these situations were severed. I get all that, but at some point the negativity had the potential to wear you down and turn you into something other than you used to be.

I've been there myself, when you feel so crappy that you feel nothing can go right, and all you can see is the negative in everything. At the times I have been there, I eventually catch myself and realize that I am no longer a person I like, and not someone I would choose to be around. When I get that way I end up isolating myself and pushing those who are around me away. I know it is hard sometimes but don't let that happen. You need to remember what experiences and skills that you have and that those are all of value to someone, somewhere they just may not know it yet. I know it is easier to bitch than to shrug your shoulders and say;"well that is the way it is, but it won't last forever." Sure get mad and moody but don't let it own you, and for god sake don't let your job drag you down. When you leave that place at the end of the day, shrug it off as best you can.

"I've just been in a bad mood for 40 years...."

What happens when your life is turned upside down? What becomes important, what defines you when you are no longer a breadwinner, or a person who is able assist financially and you find yourself with more time on your hands than you know what to do with?

The last time I worked a normal office job was in early September 2011, almost 8 months ago and yesterday I was told by my husband that I have not been happy since then. Wow, that was a a wake up call. What do you do when you are told you have appeared to be unhappy for almost 8 months? The first thing you do is panic, that is what you do. You get angry and you lash out at the people nearest to you and in that anger and fear you may very well hurt them. Nothing irreparable, but it will take some time for that redness to fade.

The next thing you do is you have to look back on those 8 months and figure out what brought you to this point. You may ask yourself if this happened so slowly that you never realized it, or did it just happen overnight and you accepted it as a fact of life. You also then must look at what defines happiness, what makes you fulfilled? Is it a job; a series of tasks or processes that you do day in and day out that give you security, comfort (and often frustration) and most importantly a pay cheque? When that definition of who you are disappears what happens to your well being? Your sense of self? What the hell do you do all day to fill that void?

That is the question I am faced with today. I have had some ideas, but fear and a lack of faith in myself and my abilities have kept me from following through on them. I suffer from a fear of failure so I don't even try. I have spent my days with the dogs, watching movies and TV shows, listening to music, making dinner, doing laundry and in general feeling sorry for myself. I have isolated myself from the outside world and I blame it on where we live, when in reality it is I who has done the isolating. I won't go to the gym because it is too crowded and my Swedish isn't good enough. I won't take a class in Swedish because we have vacations planned and I may have to miss a lesson, so best not to go at all. I wont start selling baked goods out of my home because I am afraid of being priced too high and more importantly if I adjusted the prices no one would buy them. When did I become my own worst, self-defeating enemy?

The thing that bothers me most is that in this dialogue that I regularly have there is one encouraging voice who has been there all along but I never listen to him. My husband, Carl has tried to get me to (let's be honest) just fucking do SOMETHING, but nope I have resisted thus far. It has gotten to the point where he is actually worried about going on a posting ever again because of the impact it has had on me, and concerns about what impact it may have on our relationship. I have to say, that unsettles me more than anything else I have dealt with thus far. In my selfish pity party I have the possibility of impacting my husband's career. The career we both rely on. That frightens me even more than anything I have mentioned above. It's not that I have anything against Ottawa, but if we are there I feel nothing would change. I would still be isolated and afraid that I don't have the skills and abilities to be able to find some kind of employment. I seemingly have convinced myself that I am unable to do much of anything and it disturbs me that I have dragged him into this with me, and it is now affecting him. My fear is that I am just not a happy person and that I am beginning to make him that way too.

So, now comes the tough part; I need to get out there and challenge myself. I need to learn to be happy with the skills and abilities I have, not worry about what I don't have. I need to learn to be in situations that push my comfort zones. I need to redefine who I am, what makes me happy and what makes each day unique and enjoyable. I need to leave the house each and every day in search of something that teaches me something I didn't already know, or just makes me smile. Maybe somewhere I have never been before, or perhaps someplace I have been and enjoy. I need to quit being afraid of failure and at least try to make something happen. It may be something that results in an income, or it may be something that pays me a dividend to my soul and makes me happy. Whatever it is, I need to go and find it as it certainly won't happen sitting at my kitchen table.

All alone in a full room.

Since we returned from our vacation in late November, Carl and I have been bickering about my reluctance to return to the gym. All I knew is that I didn't want to go, but I wanted to feel better about myself and do something. I was at a complete loss for why I didn't want to go, but it was a 'gut' or visceral feeling that I just went with.

Friday night we started the conversation again during supper and I started down a path and stated that I felt I didn't belong there but I could not tell him why. As he left for the gym Saturday afternoon I could tell it was bothering him that I was not going and he said; "I wish you were going with me, but I won't go down that road." At first I was mad, but I could not figure out why.

While steaming and puttering around the house and putting laundry away, and washing sheets, and taking a shower I thought long and hard about why I didn't want to go to the gym. I thought back to our conversation last night and picked up that thread and started to pull at it in my mind. I also had the same problem when we lived in Canada, and I tried to figure out what the common factors were both there and here and I came to the conclusion that not only do I look at the gym as an opportunity to exercise, but also in some part a social experience, and because of the language barrier here in Sweden, and also the language barrier in Canada (as both gyms we joined were in Quebec and primarily Francophone) it hit on me that I felt isolated at the gym. I can be in a room full of people but I am alone, completely. I go about my business and other people around take breaks between sets and chat, but I am not part of it.

After I came to this realization a lot of patterns became clear to me. I am currently not working though I never really go anywhere and do anything and I think the reason why is that no matter where I go, I don't really feel like I belong. I am not sure how to go about fixing this, but at least identifying the issue helps a bit. It makes me feel less like I am losing it and being irrational. Well, maybe the whole thing is irrational but at least now I think I know what it is, now I just need to figure out what to do with it.

Long time no post......

It's been 3 months since I updated this thing....so much has happened and at the same time nothing is changed. We have had some wonderful experiences such as having the opportunity to attend the Nobel Awards Ceremony and Banquet here in Stockholm (seated at the head table no less!), and have traveled through the Caribbean on a lovely ship with wonderful friends old and new, and a long weekend visiting London, and some friends visiting here. We've also had to deal with ups and downs in my father's health back in the US. Sadly more downs than ups, so much in fact that I am travelling back home mid-February to help take care of him for two weeks. A dark and overcast December and January, no luck on the job front and then both of us being ill for most of January have not helped either of our moods to say the least.

All that being said we are plugging along, and I hope to be better at posting moving forward.

And the days get shorter

As Fall increasingly pushes out the bright days of summer and the light changes to that 'golden hour' glow for the brief hours we have sunlight here in Stockholm I notice that the residents of Stockholm change. It seems that the winter wardrobe comes out and the summer one gets put away almost by the calendar as opposed to the temperatures and season themselves, the bright blues, greens, reds, oranges, and yellows of summer clothing give way to brown, black, dark camel and occasionally still the red pair of pants. The wearers of these cloths also seem to pull into themselves as well acting more reserved, quieter, and what might appear to be sadder and it almost appears that the mood fits the clothes instead of the other way around.

Now that I have lived here for a year, and I have experienced all the seasons I can see why in late Spring, Sweden embraces the sun and summer like no other other country I have experienced. Conversely though this Fall I am more aware of the opposite and how Fall brings a melancholy to Sweden. It might appear that people pack up their love of life and their upbeat, unbridled joy with the patio furniture that they put away in the garage, only to appear again when the bright sun and longer days once again appear. What I do think happens is that the joy is there, but it turns inward to home and family. The upcoming holidays kicked of by Lucia in mid-December and all the lights and candles aglow all over the country are about light and joy, and keeping back the darkness. It may seem more tempered that that of a Midsommar revelry but the festiveness is just the same, it all just happens indoors.

The thing that surprises me most though is the the clothing. Everything is dark, dark, dark come Fall and into Winter. Now, bear with me here as this train of thought may be a bit disjointed and come off the rails. Winter here in Sweden is dark. At most I think we get 5-6 hours of sunlight (that is sunrise to sunset) at the time of the Winter Solstice, so if you go to lunch late while at work, you return to the office at dusk. The whole country seems subdued. You would think that it would be appropriate to fight the darkness with some bright wardrobe choices, akin to fighting the darkness with candles in your windows, but no. Rarely do you see a bright red or yellow winter coat, everything is black or brown, or maybe dark camel in color and to be honest at night it makes it damn hard to see people walking about. When you are dressed as dark as it is outside and still move about with a pedestrian right of way it is downright dangerous. I get tense driving at night in Sweden in the winter, I am always afraid I am going to hit someone! In order for safety I suggest that Swedes start wearing brighter colors in the Winter months. Break the norm and walk on the wild side and try on something festive. It might just save your life, and make you feel good too!

Trends (strictly my opinion)

I have noticed lately that a lot of people have been getting gastric bypass surgery. A lot. I know some people who desperately needed it as their health and in some cases their lives depended on it. There there seem to be those who, in my opinion (please note this is my opinion only. My Blog, My Thoughts) who do it to take what they think is the easy way out. I can't see how reducing the amount of food your stomach can hold and all the potential health issues that can come from surgery is easier than making the decision to change your habits and your own life through your own will. I look at some of these folks and all I can think to myself is "you're not that big."

I know I am a large man myself and on more than one occasion I have tried to lose weight and in some cases I have succeeded and in other cases I have failed. When I have failed it was my inability to commit to the lifestyle changes that are required in order for the changes I wanted to see to my body occur. I feel that sometimes humans take the path of least resistance, and don't fight for what they want or need or now is right anymore. In anything.

Since I am on an opinion kick today I am also concerned about the number of guys I know who are going on CPAP machines. If I have a couple of poor nights sleep my husband always asks; "maybe you have sleep apnea?" to which my standard response is "no, I just slept like shit, it happens." My biggest problem with sleep apnea and a CPAP machine is the sleep test. I have never heard of anyone, EVER who has gone to a sleep test and not walked away with an order for a CPAP machine. Not once. I can't even see how someone who is a good sleeper could even walk away without failing. You're in a strange place, a strange bed, hooked up to machines. Yea, now go to sleep. That is not going to happen. I've even heard it referred to now as a "bear right of passage," almost like a badge of honor. These things trouble me and make me wonder about what is medically necessary, and what is says about healthcare as a corporation. Sadly I have noticed this worldwide, not just where medicine is privatized. Anyway I certainly don't have the answers but sometimes someone needs to ask the question.

Things that pique my interest

So this is a random post, coming out of nowhere but this morning I was uploading photos to the interwebs from yesterday's Berserkers rugby match so I was surfing around the net and looking at pictures. Of men. Not even naked men mind you, just pictures of guys I know even some I don't. Many of them are contacts of mine on a photograph sharing site where we share tips on shooting pics, and life in general.

Lately I am noticing more and more than people are taking self-portraits. Now that is all fine and dandy but many people are using point and shoot cameras and smartphones and often use mirrors to capture their reflection. I know that the individual taking the picture is supposed to be the main subject, but somehow my eye tends to wander and I end up looking at the extraneous things the lens captures. Often this is piles of dirty laundry (or clean and just piled up for all I know), unmade beds, piles of things in rooms that sometimes look as if the inhabitants should be featured on the next A&E episode of "Hoarders."

I know, I know, that is not what we should be looking at, but people should be aware that when taking a photo of themselves in the mirror they more often than not show us more than they intended and should be more conscious of it. Just some thoughts from me on this chilly fall morning in Stockholm, but I leave you all with one question. Is it just me or am I the only person fascinated by the fact that a single man in his 40's appears to have a brass stripper pole in his bedroom? Kind of hard to overlook.